The other day, I had a business conversation and it ended with an agreement. Later, I felt unsettled, panicky and had difficulty calming myself down. I realized, I didn’t assert my wants and needs; I mainly focused on how this business transaction could benefit the other person. After talking to a friend, I realized what I needed, which was completely different from the original agreement.
How many times as a child, teen and as an adult have I had that internal guidance system go off within me... anxiousness, overwhelm, unsettledness... but yet, just believing the problem is me, I’m wrong, I’m perverted, I need to change... because ultimately, those uncomfortable feelings are "from the devil anyway." I was always told that emotions and feelings are the devil's playground. I am thankful that i no longer believe "the devil made me do it" or "the devil has been hounding me."
How many times have I abandoned myself.. who I am and what i intrinsically believe? I know now that my emotional guidance system is a gift yet i was brainwashed to disregard it, downplay it, ignore it and berate it.
It's no wonder I developed IBS. It's no wonder I stayed in the religious circles. It's no wonder I attended and STAYED in the "pray away the gay" Exodus International program for so long.... and all the while, dying on the inside.
Why do I continue to work and do things I don’t like to do... or continue to hang around friends who don’t feed me... or why do I keep trying to save the world at my own expense?
It's no wonder I am so tired... and need to eat to have energy... need eat to reward myself or placate myself!
Time for many changes.
I am grateful for my emotions because if I feel anything other than peace, I know that my life is out of balance in some way (relationships, work, how I am spending my time, etc etc.). I choose peace.